Monthly Archives: September 2015

I need a camera to my eye, reminding

Things are looking up, let’s be honest. I’ve got a lot of good feelings about the next few months, and…

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This morning I sat in front of an open window, the chilly grey Wellfleet morning blowing in, and listened to my favorite Kishi Bashi song

I found the last page in the sky / it was cold and clear like an apple / I found you and now / the story has its proper end

and made a proper to do list.

It’s been months. And I missed the discipline, because it’s easier to do a hard thing if you know you only have to do one that day. And because I feel better, more in control, when I’m physically crossing items off a list. More like a responsible human being.

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Part of it is absolutely the weather. You guys. It’s COLD in the mornings. I mean, 58, but it had been 70 even at 5 am and I hate that so much, and now fall suddenly peaked around the corner and it’s coming and soon I’ll need more BLANKETS on my bed and oh man. Fall. The BEST.

Yesterday was the start of the cooler weather, and I made a dump run and cleaned up my car a little and cleaned up my place a LOT and went to bed so early, watching Red Dwarf and Community. I woke up with a bit of a headache that hasn’t quite faded today, but it’s the kind sleep with cure.

 

Gonna charge my camera again tonight, start taking pictures again, start seeing the life I’m really living.

i lost all my defenses

 

It’s been a time. I don’t really know if it’s been good or bad or neutral or what. It’s just been a mess of busyness, exhaustion, frayed nerves, but also expectation, excitement, contentedness. Yesterday I reminded myself yet again that my mood is always linked TIGHTLY to my surroundings and spent an hour or so tidying up Thursday and Friday I felt lighter, like magic. Look, I found 50% of the Art of Tidying Up nonsense but that other 50% rang true as true can be. Of course I woke up this morning having made a slight mess than night before and thought, “ah, oh well,” and left it there. I’ll tidy some more tonight.

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This whole no internet thing is working out well, but I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m exhausted anyway and haven’t had the energy to do much that I would usually use energy for. I finished Dragon Age: Origins (and Awakening) (oh, ANDERS) and am most of the way through DA:II. Yeah, I’d say my concentration levels have improved; I’m liking it.

 

I feel like there’s just not enough time, which is so silly because there’s plenty of time.

Said that you’ll remember

September, humming Earth Wind & Fire. Whatever, it’s the best September song, in the same way that Summer Breeze is cheesy for 11 months of the year but in July sounds just right coming from open car windows. I celebrated the end of August with a trip to Falmouth for a coworker’s cookout, an hour and a half (!) drive. I seriously live out in the middle of nowhere, now. I also sing “fuck the women in Wellfleet” all the time — “heed my words and take flight.” Thanks, Vampire Weekend.

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Yesterday I had a pajama day. Sunday,  I was on four hours of sleep and I came home and passed out. I needed a day of recovery because being SOCIABLE is hard work.

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I actually did put clothes on over my pajamas when I took Baxter for the world’s quickest loop around the neighborhood. But mostly I had the laziest of lazy days and it was lovely. I read more of Scarlett Thomas’ The Seed Collectors, which is amazing. I liked it all along and then I hit the Outer Herbides section and transformed from liking it to adoring it. It’s hitting all those Scarlett Thomas buttons for me, where the book is answering the questions I didn’t know I had. How we see the world. What matters. How hard it is to be a kind person. How hard it is to do what you know what you should. Things are complicated, people are imperfect. I LOVE it.

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I stepped outside into the surprisingly cool air yesterday morning (6 am wakeup, thanks dog) and looked up at the sky and wondered, when I look back, how will I remember this year? Is it the year of heartbreak? Yeah, probably. A year I tried new things, definitely. But also a year I curled closer in on myself, closed off. But then a year I moved, found my own space, used my own voice. It’ll be an odd, hard year to remember.

But also it’s a year when I’ve recorded more. I’ve written a lot. Taken a lot of pictures. Done some pretty good things. Liked myself more.

Who knows; it’s only September. The world can change between now and … ever.

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