Woke up in the predawn, gloom in my heart. No real reason. Rolled over, stared at the ceiling, thought about the day ahead, exhausted before I even moved. No real reason for it. Nothing so bad in my day today — a couple of meetings, a one on one. Getting time to focus in. The tourists are gone. Baxter sleeping soundly, snoring next to the bed, happy in the cool.
Clear sky on the drive in, the high blue of October, still golden, fragile in the pause before winter. Last night the sunset was spectacular – dark grey pregnant clouds ahead, pink and purple behind me, in a flat line. Lines of car on suicide alley, headlights on. Getting dark early.
My cough is finally fading after a week; fever dreams just a memory. So why the doom, heart. Why the irrational, generalized anxiety (the snow falls general over Ireland), the sense of listlessness, the emptiness? Is it just that you want to be a jerk, heart? Brain? Just don’t want to get it together?
New sheets on the bed tonight, brushed microfiber. Windows open to the chill, buried in blankets and pillows. A book. A fall flavored candle. Apple Cider, a fall treat. Lights on against the night. Heart, I’ll give it to you, just buck up. Stop mourning a million losses, stop fighting against the joys that we have today. Things are ok.