Am Playing: Spirit Tracks
Let’s chat about the worst Zelda game I’ve ever played. I dug the 3DS out last week to … well, play Animal Crossing to be honest, but also to give Spirit Tracks another good whack.
I wanted to love this game, even though I knew most people didn’t. I figured I’d at least LIKE it. But instead, I’m just annoyed. I’m annoyed at my stupid leaf attack, I’m annoyed at the flute, I’m annoyed at ghostly Zelda hanging around being useless and afraid and critical of everything. I’m annoyed at the bunny mini game which I’m terrible at. I’m annoyed that you have to control your character with the 3DS touch screen which is not really all that convenient. Basically, I’m annoyed.
But let’s soldier on, shall we? I’m currently in the icy grip of the north, having already matched crazy villagers with their crazy counterparts and found the trainspotter nut job and am thus heading into the winter temple. Which I’m fairly sure is not called the winter temple.
Let’s back up a minute and look at the plot of this game. Young Link is a train engineer, a proud and noble profession in this version of Hyrule (or wherever the hell we are). Zelda is, brace yourself, the princess of the realm, and her chief advisor is in fact not her ally but is evil, EVIL. She meets Link when she presents him with his (royal) engineering diploma, and lo and behold trusts him immediately (probably because Link is a bit sassy with the whole graduation thing), passing him a note asking for his help against her chancellor. Link and his mentor rescue her from the castle and go to escape via train when bam! The chancellor catches them and disappears Zelda’s body, leaving just her ghostly presence to hang around and nag (Link has to go back to the castle to try and find her, and she’s half mad with frustration because NO ONE CAN SEE HER but, of course, our fair hero).
Even as I think about the madness of this story, I get annoyed. Because here’s the thing: the land is crisscrossed by train tracks laid by the Spirits of Good, because obviously good spirits have nothing better to do than to TRAVEL BY TRAIN. These tracks link up the temples of the spirits, natch. And just as natch, an evil presence (WITH A DEMON TRAIN) wants to end all of that. TRAIN TRACKS. Inhabited by demon trains and now, naturally, a spirit train for Link and (spirit)Zelda.
I guess, the talking boat didn’t bother me because boats fit into Hyrule. Trains, especially spirit/demon trains are a stretch that my brain can’t accept. But I’ll be brave and continue on.