I am healing. I know this because I’m only cripplingly anxious 92% of the time instead of 100%. I know this because suddenly it’s May and we’re careening towards summer, car with no brakes style, and I’m ok. I know I’m healing because I only burst into tears twice a day now.
What I’m saying is this all sucks.
Today I feel good, though. I woke up at 5:45, was walking the dog by 6:10, and had a leisurely hour to fully wake up and get on the road for work. I’ve gotten stuff done at work that’s been hanging over me for weeks, and that feels good too. I feel BETTER. It comes and goes.
& there are comforts. I spent most of April traveling, on vacation and for work. I wasn’t at home a whole lot and maybe that was good, and maybe that means I got better about saying yes to things. I physically travelled a lot (including 2 long train rides which are the best for long form thinking) and being outside of my normal realm was like a brain bath.
And it made coming home sweeter, because I found energy to start back up on the million things that need to be done in the house (current focus: living room. I want the living room, sun room, kitchen, bathroom and Sarah’s room SPARKLING before memorial day). I’ve already gotten through the awful sorting of the living room and now I’m in the cleaning and polishing (taking shelves out of the built ins, cleaning everything, putting things back, rearranging) phase. That’s actually not the worst phase. It’s comforting to get stuff done.
Going forward — well. I am finishing Dragon Age on my own time because I haven’t the energy to go back and figure out where I left off. But I’ll be playing Minecraft again sometime, I have a personal coach lined up for hearthstone (hah!), and I have an iOS project I’m thinking about. I miss being in this space. Along with that, I plan to do a weekly photo wrap up, because that forces me to take more, better pictures. And I plan to take a lot.